Mr. MacMillian, you have painted me into a corner.  I am scheduled to go to Gettysburg next month for a killer 3-day booze fest and now I am worried sick that someone in HR with too much time on their hands is going to stumble across your article and shut down my whole damn operation.  This could lead to a formal investigation and even, dare I say it, a reduction in my travel budget. 

If pressed, I’ll attack your article like a rabid dog attacks children.  I will say you are narrow minded.  I’ll claim your “in the box” thinking is what led companies like GM and Ford to fail.  I’ll point to companies like Apple and Google who buck everything traditional and are now market leaders. 

Whistle-blower Doug, shame on you.  Your internship at Rolling Stone Magazine where you, and I quote from your online resume,“transcribed interviews with prominent figures in the music and entertainment industry” was great work experience.  But come on Doug, do you have to rub it in our faces?  Doing keg stands with A-list celebrities while the rest of us slogged away at “real” internships is clearly a feather in your cap and a crap sandwich to us.  But to expose leadership trips as a potential fraud in a national publication?  That’s ruthless, Mr. Gekko.   Doug 1, everyone else 0.

Then you worked at Adotas.com where you were a ”Ninja Hamster” (apparently a hip word for intern) and ”never got Jaime skim lattes in the morning.”  (again, not my words)  God damn it that sounded like a sweet gig.  I, on the other hand, made endless revisions to powerpoints for a project that never really existed.  Doug 2, everyone else -1.

In summary Doug, thanks for nothing.

Corporate Mike

That said, don’t over do it.  You must, I repeat, must admit to having some level of enjoyment on the trip.  Endless false complaining about being “so busy” and “back to back” will solidify your enemy’s position and expose that you are overplaying your hand.  Tossing out a small token such as “we had a nice cocktail hour” before an important business meeting should keep them happily chasing their tails while you play golf.

Corporate Mike

The first thing to know while on your boondoggle is that those physically closest to you want to remain that way, whether they know you or not.  Everyone loves the person who will open a tab.  Thus, your fellow excursioneers need not be limited to good friends you trust.  In fact, you may not want them around, because your BFFs are likely to know (or even be) some of your co-workers. 

Long-lost high school friends and ancillary relatives are the perfect targets because they have nothing to lose by seeing you.  You haven’t kept in touch as well as you should have – going back on one of the many promises you never should have made – and at this point, you’re simply renting some of that old relationship.  Guess what?  They understand *all* of this because you’re fairly transparent.  Have fun with them to keep the gravy train running next time.

For those people who blindly hope, that you’ve grown up a bit, your visit will also be met with initial excitement.  However, you’ve never been altruistic, and never will be.  Enjoy the heck out of this soiree because your good-hearted friends and family won’t invest one more iota of their time on any subsequent visit.  Why?  Because of your whorish behavior, exhibited by throwing around the company’s money without any care.  How do they know that you wouldn’t do the same to them?  (And yes, in a pinch, you absolutely would.)

So check out the calendars in cities you’d like to visit over the next couple quarters.  Pick the best times to visit (jam band festivals, Renaissance Faires and Tastes of Capitol City are always can’t-miss events) and reach out to people now.  Don’t wait.  When you come calling again, they’ll see as either a brilliant boondoggler who’s going to be a heap of fun, or a caring person who’s willing to give up his/her free time for them.  Either way, they’ll be aiding and abetting in no time at all.

1. Team building: Race go-carts on a Friday afternoon.  Save five minutes to talk about your feelings.

2. The Prank: Plot and execute one good prank a week.  Click here for inspiration. 

3. Floor surfing (solo only): Block 2 hours on your calendar for “work time.” Wander another floor in your office and strike up a conversation with anyone in need of human contact.

4. Volunteer (solo or multi-doggle): Tread carefully; you may end up doing real work. Stick to fluffy activities like judging a case competition at a local business school. Potential for heavy drinking afterwards always a bonus.

5. The networking lunch (strictly solo): Meet up with a buddy well away from the office. Buy lunch and chalk it up to industry research.

“In today’s uncertain economic times, a business’ success is defined by its ability to stay ahead of the curve. Rising fuel prices, higher health care, decreasing margins, reduced credit terms, diminishing market share, loss of consumer confidence, a weakening dollar, soaring personal debt, a collapsed housing market and deviations from corporate strategy have all put extraordinary pressures on our profits.  Like commerce in any competitive market, there are no quick fixes. 

Innovative thinking is required.  We cannot hide behind our desks to work on fancy power point decks.  Furthermore, sifting through hundreds of marginally relevant emails won’t do the trick either.  The key is to network with top business leaders in our industry.  I know expense budgets are tight and I appreciate the sacrifice <insert recently disbanded department name > was forced to make. 

In <insert month >, there is a premier industry event called <insert conference name here>.  I spoke with <insert name of someone in finance at another office> and they highly recommended this trade show/conference.  With your approval, I’d like to have them join me.  I’d be happy to aggregate additional information if you’d like to learn more about this exciting opportunity. ”

2. Request the trip with your boss face to face. At the end of your pitch, stop talking. Don’t over justify.

3. Suggest someone from Finance or Accounting joins you. Those stiffs will never go, but inviting them adds legitimacy.

4. Consider mid market locations. You’re much less likely to raise suspicion with a trip to Kansas City or Minneapolis.

5. Take a camera. Get pictures of important looking business people and a few randoms.

6. If at a conference, keep your lanyard. Hang it in your cube back at the office.

7. Get plenty of business cards. Give a card or two to your most suspicious coworkers. Mention these people would be great resources for whatever project they’re working on.

8. Pay for a few things yourself. Don’t over do the incidental spend.

9. Get pens from vendors. “Accidentally” leave these pens on a co worker’s desk.

10. If your home is in the North East, wear SPF 50 at all times during your boondoggle. Flaunting a bronze tan is career suicide.